|
Billiard
Home Page
Just
for Fun
General
Anecdotes
One Liners
Stupidity
Blonde Jokes
Animal
Jokes
Computer
Jokes
Language Jokes
Lawyer
Jokes
Scientific Jokes
Wisconsin Jokes
|
|
Why People Live so Long
|
The First Day: On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the
cow, “Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the
farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life
span of 50 years.” The cow objected. “What? This kind of tough life you want
me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the last 30 years - I’ll
give back to you.”
So God agreed.
The Second Day: On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the
dog, “What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house.
Any people that come by, or in, you will have to bark at them! I’ll give you a
life span of 20 years!” The dog objected. “What? All day long I have to sit
by the door? No way! Let me live for only 10 years. I give you back my other 10
years of life!”
So God agreed.
The Third Day: On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the
monkey, “A monkey has to entertain people. You’ve got to make them laugh and
do monkey tricks. And I’ll give you a 20 year life span.” The monkey
objected. “What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will
do, and the other 10 years - I’ll give back to you.”
So God agreed.
The Fourth Day: On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, “Your
job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you
need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. For this kind of life, I’ll give you a
20 year life span.” The man objected. “What? Such a good life! Eat, play,
sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years?
No way, man!....... Why don’t we make a deal? Since Cow gave you back 30
years, Dog gave you back 10 years, and Monkey gave you back 10 years, I will
take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?”
So God agreed.
And that is why…
In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best
and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get
to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by
making monkey faces and doing monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay
at home, sit in front of the door and bark at people.
|
|
A Sad Obituary
|
It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news....
Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications
from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a
lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects,
including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker,
the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was filled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy
and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough
on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a
crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and
Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly
father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
|
|
First Day on the Job
|
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver, so he
leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in
the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a
lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said "I didn't mean
to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something."
Taxi driver says "Not your fault sir. It's
my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."
|
|
The Strong Man
|
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a
patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody
could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing
thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd
like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender
said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains
of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence
as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the
$1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a
lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
|
|
Give the Frog a Loan?
|
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he
says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long
vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how
much he wants to borrow.
The frog says "$30,000."
The teller asks his name and the frog says that
his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows
the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount
of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She
asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and
produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink
and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to
consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the
manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who
claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as
collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the
heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says…
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the
frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."
|
|
Super Glue
|
A truck driver, noting that his brakes were failing,
chose to hit an unoccupied toll booth, since he would not be able to stop. The
booth was totally flattened by the impact, but before the trucker could think
what to do, a maintenance vehicle arrived, and three workers jumped out and set
to work putting the pieces together again. They just smeared the pieces with a
white glue, and in minutes the booth was as good as new.
The amazed trucker asked, "What kind of glue
is that?"
The workers replied…
"Oh, that's Toll Gate Booth Paste."
|
|