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"Everybody in my
family follows the medical profession," said John. "They're all
lawyers."
Lawyer: An individual
whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his
profession.
A blind rabbit and a
blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached
out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have
floppy ears. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy,
beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."
A Brooklyn lawyer, a used
car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of
an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we
have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to
spend over there." They all agreed that this was appropriate. The
banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman
did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
A client who felt his
legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement
included this item: "Was walking down the street and saw you on the
other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street
and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you.
–$50.00."
A doctor and a lawyer in
two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor
was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink
from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the
lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a
drink yourself?" asked the doctor.
"Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.
A doctor and a lawyer
were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by
people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical
advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when
you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send
them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still
feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to
place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
A doctor told her patient
that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only
six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the
patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the
longest six months of your life.
A doctor vacationing on
the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing
there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What
are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in
Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood
insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you
start a flood?"
A doctor was vacationing
at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in
the water and fainted. "Darling, it was just a shark," said his
wife when he came to. "You've got to stop imagining that there are
lawyers everywhere.
A doctor, an engineer and
a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor
asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam's rib to create Eve.
The engineer disagreed and said, "Of course, an engineer had to have
constructed the Garden of Eden"
"I have you both beaten," the lawyer gloated. "Before Adam
and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state
of chaos, and who but lawyers could have created that?
A famous lawyer found
himself at heaven's gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was
all a mistake: he was only 49 and far too young to be dead.
"That's odd," said St. Peter, "according to the hours
you've billed you're 119 years old.
Did you hear about the
lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested
waters? He started swimming toward the far-off shore, wondering how he
could make it safely. As he was swimming, the sharks seemed to make way
for him, helping him reach shore safely. We suspect it was professional
courtesy.
A golfer hooked his tee
shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he
saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an
attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you
$5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied.
"But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
A judge enters the
courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I
have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me
$15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid
me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial,
I am returning $5,000 to the defense.
A junior partner in a law
firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client
accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client
acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney wired the
firm, "Justice prevailed"
The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."
A lawsuit has been called
a method of extracting half of a debt by demanding double the payment.
A lawyer's job is secure,
who would build a robot to do nothing?
A lawyer named Strange
was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter
asked him what inscription he would like on it." Here likes an honest
man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In
this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
However, I could put "Here Lies an Honest Lawyer."
"But that won't let people know who it is," protested the
lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will
read it and exclaim "That's Strange!"
A lawyer trying to get
tickets to the rage of the day, Phantom of the Opera, finally settled for
a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived, the
woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked
why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife
couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or
friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at
the funeral.
A lawyer was driving his
big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love
my BMW" Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree.
He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My
BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding,
your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!
A lawyer was filling out
a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been
arrested?" He answered "no" The next question, intended for
those who answered the preceding question yes, was "why?"
Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught.
A lawyer who had a trial
scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those
people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the
lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those
witnesses twice myself."
A man came across a
striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on
his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor
insisted it was non-returnable. He said, "It's been returned twice
already, and I don't want to see it again."
Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the
corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from
the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he
threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the
army of live rats follow into the depths. The man hurried back to the
store, but the owner cut him short, saying, "Look, I told you there
would be no returns"
The man quickly replied, " Oh no, that's fine. I was just wondering
if you had a brass lawyer.
A man died and was taken
to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits
and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up
to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to
roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful
woman."
"Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork.
"Who are you to question that woman's punishment?
A man sat down at a bar,
looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes
later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double.
This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his
pocket, the man told the bartender he'd had enough. The bartender said,
"I've got to ask you, what's with the pocket business?"
"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer's picture in here,
and when he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough.
A man walked into a bar
with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers
here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a
lawyer for my 'gator."
A man went to a brain
surgeon to request a brain transplant. He noted prices were different for
brains available from various donors. A doctor's brain was $500, a
banker's brain was $1,500 and a scientist's brain was $2,500. Then he
noticed a brain in the far recesses of the room that had a price tag of
$50,000. When he inquired about the unusually high price, the surgeon
replied, "Oh, that's a lawyer's brain. It's never been used!”
A Mexican bandit made a
specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks
in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an
enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy
search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him,
put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're
under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains
out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the
Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the
loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did
he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't
dare shoot me.'"
A minister and lawyer
were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a
case?" the minister asked.
Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied
the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an
example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,'
but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it
go."
A newly established
lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked
up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load
and won't be able to look into this for at least a month" He then
hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I
do for you, sir?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm just here to hook up your
phone.
A quote attributed to
Founding Father John Adams in the play "1776": "I have come
to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are
called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress.
A reporter outside of a
courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your
attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we won.
A small town that can't
support one lawyer can always support two.
A stingy old lawyer who
had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong
the saying, "You can't take it with you" After much thought and
consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at
least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to
go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then
directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them
directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out
and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral,
the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two
forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, she exclaimed. "I
knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.
A true story: A convicted
con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City.
To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a
lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."
A university committee
was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a
mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question
during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four"
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered,
"Four, plus or minus one"
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently
for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed,
conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?
A well-known evangelist
of the last century, Lorenzo Dow, arrived in a Kansas town one very cold
winter night. Looking for heat, he went into the general store. Around the
stove were gathered the local lawyers, talking shop, and not about to let
a stranger in to share the warmth. When finally able to introduce himself,
he mentioned that he'd had a vision in a dream a short time before.
"Like Dante's immortal traveler, I was given a tour of Hell"
"Well, Mr. Dow, what did you find there?" inquired one of his
listeners.
"The same thing I find here," replied the preacher. "All
the lawyers right in the hottest place" They moved over and made room
for him.
A woman was being
questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the
slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,"
instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person
to hear," she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge.
A woman who was diagnosed
as being terminally ill was told she needed a brain transplant using a
1-1/2 pound brain. She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a
surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600.
She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would
prefer a lawyer brain. That's fine, she was told, but that will cost you
$10,000.
"What?" she replied incredulously. "If a surgeon's brain
only costs $500, why does a lawyer's brain cost $10,000?"
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds
of brain?" the doctor replied.
A young attorney who had
taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night. "Dad,
listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney
suit"
"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, I gave
that to you as an annuity for life.
After their car broke
down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night's shelter at a
farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had
two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn. Immediately,
one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for
the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained
that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not
sleep there. Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered,
picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn't long before he
returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him
to sleep there. The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and
grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn. Soon, there was
another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the
cows and the pig.
An airplane full of
lawyers was hijacked. The terrorists threatened that, until all their
demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
An elderly and somewhat
hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as
his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex,"
said the lawyer, "but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be
executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500"
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call.
Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his
check and left. When she got off the phone and realized the old man's
mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot
just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check
and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well,"
she said to herself, "$500 for one hour's work isn't bad.
An elderly defense
witness gave testimony in a three-year-old murder case. His responses were
slow, and he prefaced each with the words "I think." The
prosecutor, eager to destroy the old man's credibility as a witness,
haughtily remarked, "You think the accused had gone. You think his
car was a Chevy. You think you saw the deceased alive after the accused
left. Your entire testimony consists of 'I think.' Don't you know
anything?"
With the same deliberation as before, the old man replied, "Young
fellow, I cannot speak without first thinking. I am not an attorney."
An elderly patient needed
a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor
said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to
use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident.
The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who
died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after
practicing law for 30 years" "I'll take the lawyer's
heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had
chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," the patient replied.
"I wanted a heart that hadn't been used.
An experienced editor
trying to explain the newspaper to a cub reporter: "You can't sell
any papers with a 'dog bites man' story, but 'Client Runs Off with
Attorney's Funds" ,why, that would sell out a special edition."
Any time a lawyer is seen
but not heard, it's a shame to wake him.
As the lawyer slowly came
out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds
drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied.
"We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure.
At a meeting of the bar
association a famous attorney was boasting about his new glass eye. He
claimed that it was so realistic that no one could tell which was the
false one. All of the lawyers present nodded in astonished belief while
the layman present blurted out, "It's obvious that the left one is
phony!"
The attorney, shocked that his secret was so easily discovered, asked the
layman how he knew. He replied, "Why, it's easy, the fake one is the
one with a gleam of humanity.
At a New England society
dinner some years ago, Mark Twain had just finished a piquant address when
Mr. Evarts arose, shoved both of his hands down into his trousers'
pockets, as was his habit and laughingly remarked: "Doesn't it strike
this company as a little unusual that a professional humorist should be
funny?"
Mark Twain waited until the laughter excited by this sally had subsided,
and then drawled out: "Doesn't it strike this company as a little
unusual that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?
At the rate law schools
are turning them out, by the year 2,000 there will be more lawyers than
humans.
Between grand theft and a
legal fee, There only stands a law degree.
Children who never come
when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are
called will grow up to be lawyers.
Client: Excuse me, do you
have a moment? If I pay you $150, will you answer three questions for me?
Lawyers: Yes. Yes. Now then, what is your third question?
Did you hear about the
new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called Sosumi.
Did you hear that the
Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People were confused about which side to spit on.
First lawyer:
"You're an unmitigated liar"
Second lawyer: "You're a lowdown cheat"
Judge: "Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us
proceed.
Four out of five doctors
say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they
wouldn't need any aspirin.
God decided to take the
devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan
heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going
to find a lawyer?
Have you seen the current
remake of the movie "Cape Fear"? It's about a deranged psychotic
who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching
the movie, whom do you root for?
Having passed on, the
lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each
clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a
different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to
the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock
move at a different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth,"
replied the devil. "What's your second question?"
"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my
occupation. Where is the lawyers' clock?"
Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. "Oh, yes!" he finally
exclaimed. "We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan.
If a lawyer and an IRS
agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you
go to lunch or read the paper?
If an apple a day keeps
the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?
It seems that a lawyer
had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car
in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver
of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble. I'm a
lawyer!"
The driver looked out his window and said, "No, you're in trouble.
I'm a judge.
Lawyer: "Judge, I
wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered
evidence"
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.
Lawyer: Now that your
case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you. You owe me $500 now
and $347.26 a month for the next 36 months.
Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds like
car payments!" Lawyer: "You're right, mine."
Lawyers don't tan, they
just appeal.
Mary reported for jury
duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.
"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit
and I knew that he was guilty as sin"
"Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting
attorney.
May you have a lawsuit in
which you are sure you are right.
NASA was interviewing
professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and couldn't return
to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted
to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered,
"because I want to donate it to M.I.T"
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2
million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained,
"and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
research"
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he
whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars"
"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1
million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars.
Old lawyers never die,
they just lose their appeal.
One juror overheard
saying to another.. "You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or
defense attorney swore to tell the truth!
Out of towner: Any
criminal lawyers in this town? Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.
Santa Claus, the tooth
fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down a street
together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
She: You just don't care
anymore! He: You're just upset. Why don't I buy you something to make you
feel better?
She: Like what?
He: How about a trip to Europe?
She: No.
He: What about a new Jaguar?
She: No.
He: Well, what DO you want?
She: A divorce.
He: (Pause) I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Some American academics,
discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to
understand why it had ended so quickly. "Well," said the
general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was
a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time
came we ordered them to charge, and boy, did they know how to charge
The devil visited a young
lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for
you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your
partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four
months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in
return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their
children's souls must rot in hell for eternity"
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?
The Judge admonished the
witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the
truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
The judicial process is
like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by
the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.
The reason law schools
have been described as "a place for the accumulation of
learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year
students take none out, and so knowledge accumulates.
The two partners in a law
firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table
and said, "I have to go back to the office, I forgot to lock the
safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both
here."
Then there is the old
story involving the theft of some chickens: The Judge: Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: Nope. I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
There's an interesting
new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer,
and the other decides to go straight.
There are two kinds of
lawyers, those that know the law and those that know the judge.
Three proud mothers were
describing the virtues of their children. The first said, "My
daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved
the lives of countless patients"
The second proudly proclaimed, "My son, the physicist, has developed
a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely
no pollution"
"That is nothing," replied the third, "my son the lawyer
has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for
the time he spends on the golf course!
Two boys were walking in
the woods when one boy spied a nut on the ground. When the other boy
picked it up, they started to argue. One boy said, "the nut is mine,
I saw it first."
The other said, "the nut is mine, I have it in my hand"
They were just about to fight when, luckily, along came a lawyer. The boys
appealed to the lawyer to decide their dispute. The lawyer thanked the
boys for the opportunity and said, "I will settle your dispute this
way. Because you saw the nut first, I will give you this half. Because you
had the nut in your possession, I will give you this half. And for my fee,
I'll keep the meat.
Two lawyers met at a
cocktail party. "How's business?" asked the first.
"Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an
ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was
already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper.
Two lawyers walking
through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer
immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and
started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said,
"You're crazy, you'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have
to outrun you.
Two lawyers were out
hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination,
the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer
disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when
the train hit them.
Two lawyers were walking
along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other,
"let's be honest with each other"
"Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the
discussion.
Two probate lawyers were
overheard while discussing a current case: "It's such a splendid
estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries.
Two women are on a
transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their
compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days.
Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend,
they see a man walking his dog. One of the flyers yells to the figure far
below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town"
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to
the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That's easy. The information he gave us was
accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant.
Upon seeing an elderly
lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave
him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill.
Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I
tell my partner?
When asked "What is
a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a
lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you
get nothing.
When my attorney told his
clients that he had a sliding fee schedule, what he meant was that after
he billed you, it was financially hard to get back on your feet.
I'm beginning to think
that my lawyer is too interested in making money. Why do you say that?
Listen to this from his bill: "For waking up at night and thinking
about your case: $25.00."
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