Q & A

Q. Why do blondes wear ponytails?
A. To hide the valve stem.

Q. What does a blonde say if you ask her if the blinker on her car is working?
A. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.…

Q. What goes, VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM! SCREECH! VROOM! SCREECH!…?
A. A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q. Why did the blonde die in the helicopter crash?
A. She got cold and turned the fan off.

Peel and Win

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "Peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads…

"W I N  A  B A G E L"

Climbing Mt. Everest

Twenty women were climbing Mt. Everest. Nineteen were blondes and one was a brunette. As they were ascending a particularly difficult place, all twenty were hanging on to a single rope. It soon became evident that the rope would soon break, unless the weight were lessened. So in a fit of charitableness, the brunette offered to sacrifice herself to save her blonde companions. As she hung on, preparing to jump, she made a stirring speech about what she was about to do.

All the blondes applauded.

The Blind Man and the Blondes

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6'tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Buy a Ticket

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray… "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays… "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays… "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. Please let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself…

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this… Buy a ticket."

Going my way?

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down in the first empty seat she finds. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. So the co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her allocated seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!"

The co-pilot goes back to the cockpit and tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. Upon hearing that the pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak 'blonde'."

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry", gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal," he said.

Driving

A car was tooling along down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. It kept going back and forth until someone with a cell phone finally called the police. A cop pulled the car over, and a blonde rolled down the window and said, "Officer, I'm so glad to see you're here! I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another, then another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting them!"

The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Flying with a Blonde

A 747 Jumbo Jet is on a flight from Los Angeles to Hawaii. Ten minutes into the flight, the Captain's voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have lost power in engine #1. We are in no danger, but our flight will be delayed 1 hour."

Later, the Captain speaks again: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have lost power in engine #2. We're sorry, but this will delay us for 2 hours."

Later still, here comes the Captain on the speaker again: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've lost power in engine #3… this will delay our flight by 3 hours, again, we're sorry for the inconvenience."

Suddenly, a blonde exclaims: "Gosh! If we lose one more engine, we're going to be up here forever!"

A Blonde's Year in Review

January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!! Bottles won't fit in printer!

March: Got really excited. Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said "2-4 years."

April: Trapped on escalator for hours. Power went out.

May: Tried to make Kool-Aid. Wrong instructions… 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!

June: Tried to go water skiing. Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later, the other swimmers cheated; they used their arms.

August: Got locked out of my car in rain storm. Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September: The capital of California is 'C'. Isn't it?

October: Hate M & M's… They are so hard to peel.

November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December: Couldn't call 911. Duh… there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!

A Blonde's Cooking Diary

Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper!

Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again and I tried a new recipe. It said, "prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said to put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Working in the Dark

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss might think I was crazy and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." So I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my blonde co-worker followed me, the boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Blondes' Revenge

For Blondes who are fed up with the preceding jokes…

Q. What is black and blue and brown and lies in a ditch?
A. A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.

Q. What does a brunette miss about a great party?
A. The invitation.

Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage.

Q. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
A. So brunettes can remember them.

Q. What's the difference between a brunette and the trash?
A. At least the trash gets taken out once a week.

Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet?"

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-Bagging it.

Q. What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween?
A. They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops.

Q. How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
A. Startled.

Q. Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
A. It doesn't show the dirt.