True Wisconsinites know…

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

"Vacation" means going up north past Hayward for the weekend.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.

You can drive 65 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.

You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You think the four major food groups are: cheese, beer, fish and venison.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

There are seven empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

You refer to the Packers as "we".

You know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

You can identify an Illinois accent.

You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.

You consider Madison exotic.

You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow/deer next to your blue spruce.

You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

A brat is something you eat.

Down south to you means Chicago.

Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.

You go out to fish fry every Friday.

You know how to polka and 2-Step.

Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You find 0 degrees "a little chilly".

You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Wisconsin friends.

Jeff Foxworthy on Wisconsin

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Park Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy", you might live in Wisconsin.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Wisconsin.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Wisconsin.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head Cheese, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett", you might live in Wisconsin.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonie and Manitowoc, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Wisconsin.

If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters," you might live in Wisconsin.

Survivor – Wisconsin Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor – Wisconsin Style." The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay. Then they will head over to Wausau and up to Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down through Rice Lake, Eau Claire and all the way down to Madison and back over to Milwaukee. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Illinois license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:

• I'm gay and I'm a vegetarian.
• Bratwurst clogs your arteries.
• The Green Bay Packers suck. Go Bears!
• Cheese is high in cholesterol.
• Hillary in 2012.
• Deer Hunting is murder and I'm here to confiscate your guns!

The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive, wins. Good luck to all contestants!

A Wisconsin Thermometer

60	Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe).
50	Miami residents turn on the heat.
40	You can see your breath Californians shiver uncontrollably Wisconsinites go swimming
35	Italian cars don't start
32	Water freezes
30	You plan your vacation to Australia Wisconsinites put on T-shirts Politicians begin to worry about the homeless British cars don't start
25	Boston water freezes Californians weep pitiably Wisconsinites eat ice cream Canadians go swimming
20	You can hear your breath Politicians begin to talk about the homeless New York City water freezes Miami residents plan vacation further South
15	French cars don't start You plan a vacation in Mexico Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10	Too cold to ski You need jumper cables to get the car going
5	You plan your vacation in Houston American cars don't start
0	Alaskans put on T-shirts Too cold to skate
-10	German cars don't start Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15	You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects Miami residents cease to exist
-20	Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you Politicians actually do something about the homeless Wisconsinites shovel snow off roof Japanese cars don't start
-25	Too cold to think You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30	You plan a two week hot bath The Mighty Monongahela freezes Swedish cars don't start
-40	Californians disappear Wisconsinites button top button Canadians put on sweaters Your cat helps you plan your trip South
-50	Congressional hot air freezes Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80	Polar bears move south Russian cars don't start

A Wisconsin Poem

It's Winter in Wisconsin
And the gentle breezes blow.
Seventy miles an hour,
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Wisconsin,
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
So I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Wisconsin,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground!

Heaven

John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Broncos flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, John," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

John felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Green and Gold sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Packers logo flag, and in every window, a Cheesehead.

John looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said, "So what do you want to know, John?"

"Well, why does Brett Favre get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "John, that's not Brett Favre's house, it's mine."

Where are we?

Maybe this should be in Blonde Jokes…)

Two Illinois tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they approached Oconomowoc they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. This went on until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist said to the cute blonde behind the counter "Can you settle an argument for us? Would you pronounce where we are, very slowly?"

The blonde leaned forward and said "Burrrr-gerrrr Kiiiing".