How to tell if a Redneck has been using your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keys only go up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-Rom.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

And the #1 sign is

1. The mouse is referred to as "the critter"

High-Tech, Country Style

Log On: Making a wood stove hotter

Log Off: Don't add no more wood

Monitor: Keeping an eye on the woodstove

Download: Getting the farwood out of the pickup

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful gittin the farwood

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from trying to carry too much farwood

RAM: That thing whut splits the farwood

Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter time

Prompt: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time

Windows: Whut to shut when it's cold outside

Screen: Whut to shut when it's black fly season

Byte: Whut them durned flies do

Chip: Munchies fer the TV

Micro Chip: Whut's left in the munchies bag

Modem: Whatcha did to the hay field

Dot Matrix: Ole Dan Matrix's wife

Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps

Keyboard: Whar ya hang the keys

Software: Them plastic forks and knives

Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn

Port: Fancy flatlander wine

Enter: Northern talk for "y'all c'mon in"

Random Access Memory: When ya can't 'member whut ya paid fer yer rifle when yer wife asks

Mouse Pad: Hippie talk fer the rat hole

Cartoons

Windows, Oriental Style

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. They're used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan. Enjoy…

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located,
But countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But, now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Abbott and Costello on Buying a Computer

Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: No, the name's Lou.

Abbott: Your computer?

Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.

Abbott: What about Windows?

Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?

Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

Abbott: Wallpaper.

Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

Abbott: Software for Windows?

Costello: No, On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

Abbott: I just did.

Costello: You just did what?

Abbott: Recommend something.

Costello: You recommended something?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: For my office?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yes, for my office!

Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.

Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

Abbott: Word.

Costello: What word?

Abbott: Word in Office.

Costello: The only word in office is office.

Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.

Costello: Which word in office for windows?

Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

Costello: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: That's right. What do you have?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: I need money to track my money?

Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer.

Costello: What's bundled with my computer?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: Money comes with my computer?

Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.

Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

Abbott: One copy.

Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?

Abbott: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

Costello: How do I turn my computer off?

Abbott: Click on 'START'…